Courtesy of Story People (one of my very favorite things ever)
You’ve called me Scrooge. That was probably fair. You’ve said I need to lighten up. You don’t even know the half of it. But friends, when it comes to the Elf on the Shelf, I am on solid ground. It’s not just me. A LOT of people find this little pixie just a creepy as me.
Exhibit A: People I want to Punch in the Throat Since its posting last Christmas, this piece has had more than two million views. Granted at least 50 thousand of them were me and my friends laughing hysterically, but that still leaves a whole lot more people who hate the little narc.
Exhibit B: The Atlantic Yes, indeed. Intellectuals even agree with me that this has just all gone too far. It’s weird. And I don’t like it.
And let me just say one more time for the record, I’M AFRAID OF THAT THING!
The Monkey is used to a fabulous teacher who knows how to read Kindergarten spelling. Netflix is not nearly as cool.
He was screaming from the other room, “The TV isn’t WORKING!” When I went to see the problem he told me he wanted to watch Garfield and Netflix is “BROKEN!”
I took a photo to show Charlie. I was all, “I know it’s technically wrong, but I’m kind of impressed with that for Kindergarten.”
He patted my shoulders, “Yes dear, our little boy is growing up. Very soon, he’ll be able to Google. Then who knows what he’ll be able to find?!”
I was nonplussed. “Why do hate me?”
That scream you heard from midtown Little Rock last night was me, opening my mail.
My stalker is back, and he/she is hitting below the belt. Not only will I spend the rest of the Christmas season in my typical self-imposed psychotic state. Now…I won’t sleep because that damn Elf on the Shelf is gonna murder me.
I would throw it out, but I’ve seen Child’s Play. Those crazy things just come back…mad…because they smell like sour milk and rotten eggs. Either way, this ends badly for me.
I still don’t know who you are, Stalker, but when I figure this out, we’re gonna rumble. And I’m sending the freakish, homicidal pixie to live with you.
The Case Christmas Card 2012 has begun to hit mailboxes from coast to coast and a couple on other continents (soon, very soon). Which brings to mind an important point, friends, stop moving so much! You’re hard to keep track of!
I wish I could send cards to everyone, but my husband’s head nearly exploded when he saw the list this year, which I swore to him was reduced from last year, and it was. But then I added some new people, and well… things got a little out of hand.
We really do wish you all the most wonderful of holiday seasons. May you know peace, comfort and good tidings of great joy!
I decorated the house for Christmas this weekend. Now my whole body hurts.