I know I’ve written many times about how great my friends are. Because they really are. This has been a terrible week. Yesterday, I had a come-apart. I’m nursing potentially the worst migraine of my life. After a failed experiment at acupuncture, I lost my business on my friends.
So today is Day 6 of this headache that will NOT let up. I’ve had shots, medication, eaten red meat, fish, worked out, slept, everything… This morning I got in to see my friend’s acupuncturist, who takes cash only… and not an insubstantial amount of it.
Since I’m a new patient, I had to fill out all those stupid forms. But she didn’t read them right and started asking me about the deliveries of my babies. I’m all, “Read the rest of the form, bitch. I didn’t *have* babies. I just got knocked up. And then I *had* medical procedures to keep me from dying after the pregnancies went wrong.
And you made me write that down in, like, THREE places, so it seems like you could have noticed it in any one of them! Now stick the fucking needles in my face and let’s go. Unless you want to give me paper cut and pour lemon juice in it…”
You will not be surprised at all to learn that she thinks I have stress issues… and something about water in my chi. I don’t know. But my head still hurts.
Also, I don’t think pinching my toes was really part of the therapy. I think she was just fucking with me at that point.
I should note that each of my friends who got this email expressed sorrow for my pain and misery… Then they mocked me.
If you wanted someone to stick needles in your face, I would have done it for free, and I wouldn’t pinch your toes. Sorry about this my friend. I’m sending you some water-free chi, perhaps that will help.
Oh! Watery chi- naturally. Now its all coming together, isn’t it! She was probably trying to get the water out through your toes by pinching them, so THAT part at least makes sense. I still don’t get the cash only part.
This sucks, my friend, on so many levels. Have you tried bourbon?
Pinching your toes? And you had to pay for it? In cash?
I think I had just rather eat the red meat.
And bacon ice cream.
The moral of the story here, if you must have a six-day migraine and the rage it brings, you want my friends to get you through it.