Eat, Drink and Be Merry… For Tomorrow You’re Getting Botox

The following is an approximation of a conversation I had at a Christmas party this weekend. A few details have been spared to protect the vain (like me).

Me: You look amazing! What are you doing? Are you back at boot camp or what?

Her: Well, I quit eating a year and a half ago.

Me: Oh. Well, I had a chicken fried steak for supper. So that explains that. I mean it’s not like this food baby is gonna feed itself.

Her: It’s not like I didn’t want to eat. It’s just the pressure in my neighborhood is enormous to be thin… and well, perfect.

Me: I know what you mean. It’s not any better in mine.

Her: Is it really that bad? I mean, I always thought you could be weird or quirky in your neighborhood.

Me: Oh, absolutely. I can be as quirky as I want. I just have to be thin.

(Baby Daddy joins the conversation about this point.)

BD: It’s not that bad.

Me: Really? Name one fat woman on our street.

…. long pause….

Me: You can’t! Because I’m the fat woman on our street!

BD: I’m leaving now because this is just gonna go badly for me.

Her: At least I’m still drinking. Everyone in my neighborhood quit eating about two years ago. That made them all pretty bitchy, but we were all at least tolerable because we still had our wine. Then lately, everyone quit drinking because they want to “purify” themselves.

Me: When you say “purify,” do you mean like get holy for Jesus or remove toxins new age bullshit?

Her: Oh Hell! Nobody quit drinking for Jesus. They’re all healthy and pure and no one can stand each other.

Me: At least you all look good.

Her: And isn’t that what really matters?

To be clear, I left the party with a name and number of a diet doctor and an appointment for Botox. But I absolutely will not give up my bourbon. I know what’s important.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Eat, Drink and Be Merry… For Tomorrow You’re Getting Botox

  1. Although I’ve been struggling with my age and finding myself lately, I feel as if surely I’m too young to be reading this. Right? RIGHT? Botox? Are you kidding? I think you’re kidding.
    You’re kidding.

  2. I think my solution to either of these neighborhoods would be to ignore my neighbors and do whatever the hell I want. YIKES.

    Actually, that’s pretty much what I do anyway. Did I ever tell you about the time my neighbors took our Christmas lights down for us because we left them up so long? Yep, we’re those people.

  3. Mel

    Look. I’ve found myself squinting and frowning in the mirror a little too much lately, but no way lady. I’m just going to assume this is a joke, since you can’t make Botox appointments at Christmas parties. Right?

  4. David

    Dude, you look smokin’ hot. Quit with that I’m the fatty-needing-botox talk.
    Come here and give creepy Uncle Dave an inappropriately long hug and two kisses. Mwah! Mwah!

  5. Have you SEEN Nigella Lawson? If that’s a body brought to me by butter, honey, I’ll take it.

  6. Liz

    First… if you’re the fat woman on your street… then the world is in trouble. You are skinny! Second… botox is botulism injected under the skin. Don’t do it. And third… I’m still wearing maternity dresses with an eight month old child because they’re comfortable and I like them. Move to my neighborhood. Nobody cares. 🙂

  7. You’re hilarious! Diet is a four letter bad word, pass me a donut! I’ll worry about the weight AFTER the holidays.

  8. I’m with LaTonya. How can anyone think of dieting BEFORE Christmas? Pass the eggnog and pound cake!!

    And I’m with Liz on botox… yuck yuck yuck. And ouch.