How to Become Totally Unattractive

Just about every magazine, blog and book I see spends significant time and effort telling women how to make themselves more attractive to their spouses. That seems like a worthy enough goal. The theme seems to be the same each time: a woman has some sort of problem; she seeks out help; she stumbles onto some kind of life secret of beauty or health; she graciously shares her revelation with other women.

Joan Cusack sisteen candles

Joan Cusack in Sixteen Candles. Think of her as your guru.

I have no advice about beauty or health. I can, however, share a 3-step plan to make yourself totally unattractive to your special someone. It’s not like I set out to be the opposite of hot. It just kind of happened. But having come across this knowledge completely by chance, I feel the Universe would want me to share.

Step 1: Gain weight. I’m not talking about five pounds. I mean pack.on.the.fat. Twenty pounds should be the minimum. Personally, I put on 30, but you don’t have to go that far if you don’t want to.

Step 2: Develop strange ailments. You’re not gonna want to stick with some kind of easily solvable ailment. There’s no sport in that. You’re going to want to develop something that’s not particularly easy to diagnose and has a gross factor to it. You’re looking for something that causes you to believe it’s perfectly acceptable to go days without washing your hair. I recommend something with a digestion compnent. Men would rather watch musicals than talk about your colon.

Step 3: Employ ridiculous treatments. Once you’ve found name for your collection of absurd symptoms, use any apparatus, cream or ointment to maximize the bizarre factor. Bonus points are awarded to contraptions that must be worn while sleeping. Slipping into bed wearing an appliance that draws attention to your least sexy attributes is a sure way to keep him disinterested. If you can wear night-clothes made of flannel, I guarantee he will never touch you again.

I like to retire each evening wearing flannel pants and too large t-shirts. I must wear socks to help my toes absorb the cuticle oil that helps with my ingrown toenails. I am covered with creams from the compounding pharmacy that contain hormones that should not be absorbed by my husband. So hands off, buddy! Just recently, I added a plastic mouth guard to help with the teeth grinding and snoring habits I’ve developed lately.

I know what you’re thinking: how can one woman be so completely repulsive? I don’t want you to be discouraged. You don’t have to try to get to my level all at once. It can take years of work and training. But if you really give it your best shot, you too can be totally unattractive to your husband.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “How to Become Totally Unattractive

  1. David

    She shoots, she … misses. Sorry dude. Despite the capricious colon and the fetid feet (who likes feet anyway? Feet are gross.), you are still a good looking gal by any objective measure. I don’t think C would agree with the stuff above. I bet you are still his dream woman, even if you are feeling a bit un-confident (we’ve all been there at times).

    Here’s my wonder advice to give to you to make you feel more attractive to your spouse: believe him. When he says “You are Smoking Hot” believe him. When he says he loves you head to toe, believe him. I tell you, it would be revolutionary. I am going to write an article and submit it to Cosmo.

  2. Mary Tanner

    And you know that you have found true love when your husband still thinks you are beautiful.