Why I Hate My Neighbor

I hate our neighbor. She hasn’t actually done anything to me personally, but that is not the point. Every time I drive past her house, I get angry. I’m dangerously close to retaliating.

Now would be a good time to point out I’ve never met her. I am also assuming it’s a woman who lives in this house. But I’m pretty sure only a mean girl could be this provocative.

By now you’re probably wondering what she did that’s so horrible. It’s not terribly easy to explain. But the long and the short of it is this: she decorates.

neighbor's house

Photo taken from across the street in her neighbor's driveway. Because I'm not crazy at all.

I don’t just mean she throws some mums and pumpkins on her front porch. I mean her porch looks like something from Southern Living or Better Homes and Gardens. She changes her door decorations regularly. She has a birthday cake, mesh (I have no idea what you call it) thing she puts up when I suppose it’s someone’s birthday in the house. She has Razorback stuff for game days. Her current pumpkin-shaped one read, “Happy Fall, Y’all!” She has freaking throw pillows on her perfectly angled rocking chairs.

I imagine the inside of her house is also perfectly decorated and always tidy. I bet she doesn’t eat her dinners out of take-out cartons on a card table in folding chairs. I bet she never has a bad hair day. Her children always behave. I’ve become certain she is thin and happy. Who can keep up with all this stupid perfection?!

Sure, she has to have problems, like everyone else. But she’s so fabulous, she finds neat solutions to solve them between the third commercial break and the credits. She probably has no idea how she tortures me. In fact, I believe she is decent person, who would take it all down, if she knew the pain it causes me. But then, when I’m driving home from the grocery store, her throw pillows taunt me. Her pumpkins mock me. Her hay bales demand retribution. This is personal.

But, if you see her front yard covered in toilet paper, it was absolutely not me.



Filed under The view from here

4 responses to “Why I Hate My Neighbor

  1. amy

    I bet she compensates for her problems by decorating awesomely because she can control that. I bet her life is crappier than ours. And I have found this to be the case on more than one occasion. The perfect “seeming” life of the perfect woman – skinny, cute husband and kids, best shoes and handbags, best house in best location perfectly decorated and with great closets – when revealed is really not that perfect at all … and worse when your friends find out about the lack of perfection on the news or by reading the paper.

    On the other hand, I want to decorate awesomely like that and be the envy of all my friends and neighbors. I am super jealous. I even try to do it sometimes, but I can’t keep up. I forget holidays, like Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day. I often let Halloween take me to Thanksgiving because I am too lazy to get back in the attic for the Thanksgiving wreaths. I leave my Christmas up a little too long and probably by most people’s standards put it up too late. Birthdays? I never even thought of decorating my door for someone’s birthday. Crap!

    I bet she has plants that have no brown, which is one of my peeves. How do people do that?

  2. Andrea Bradley

    I hate your neighbor too.

  3. Sandra McGrew

    LOL!!!! This is my sister-in-law’s bestie and owner of By Invitation Only – thus the reason she ALWAYS has the cutest things! After driving by her house multiple times, I finally caved and bought a mesh door decoration too. Hilarious! She’s one of my favorite people. You would love her!

    BTW, I didn’t realize you live THAT close to me!

  4. Amanda

    I hate your kitschy neighbor! It’s like the magazine vomited all over her porch.