Mother’s Day is a great time to get sentimental about the joy of rearing children. I’m sure if you read some other blogs, plenty of people are writing beautiful prose and poetry about their children today. That’s not really my bit. Don’t misunderstand me, I think this mom business is a great gig. Having a kid has huge benefits.
Fetch: It’s not just for puppies. If you train your child properly and early, they will fetch any number of important items for you. For example, “Be a good helper, and go get Mommy a diet coke.” Don’t look at me like that. I was the remote control for my parents when our television still had a dial with 13 channels.
Get Out of Jail Free Card. Need to leave a boring party? Can’t handle the politics at work? Family dinner too much? “Oh my goodness! Johnny is ill. I have to go. Now. This second. So sorry. Bye!”
I have no idea who made this mess. Most women I know drive a giant purse. They have done this since they were 16. If they’re a mom, they totally blame every stain, spill and stray fry on their kid. Why not? Kids are dirty, walking petri dishes. It’s a completely believable defense.
Kid Decoys or How to Avoid Looking Like a Predator. Admit it. You like Disney Pixar movies as much as the rest of us. But it’s not like you can just show up in the theater alone to watch children’s movies and not look like some kind of kiddie toucher. Children are particularly useful when you want to do kid-themed activities, even if you are allegedly an adult.
Supreme Allied Commander: Because I said so. My house and all the contents belong to Baby Daddy and me. We worked for every dollar it’s taken to pay for them. Monkey Boy is living rent free in my house, eating my food and playing with my toys. He goes to school on my dime. That means if I want the good candy from his Easter basket, I can have it. It also means when I am old enough for the home, he picks the deluxe suite where I don’t have to share a potty with anyone and BRAVO is on the cable system.
To be fair, it’s not all unicorns and glitter when you have a short person living in your house. Kids have a downside: they rob you of your sleep, peace of mind and bank account. But overall, it’s a fair trade.
So raise your glass to the mother, grandmother, aunt or gay man who taught you how to write thank you notes, coordinate your outfits and generally make you fit for polite society. You might as well. They’ve been using you as an excuse to get toasted for years.