On Mosquito Bites and Melons

Pretty much through all my schooling years, I was skinny and basically flat chested. I was short with straight, mousy-brown hair. I was not pleased at all with my appearance. Especially when you factor in my sister: tall, blond, curvy and… um, amply blessed. The mosquito bites under my sweaters were just embarrassing by comparison.

So you have to understand how finding the underwire push-up bra was like an answer to my prayers. My friends would breezily enter lingerie stores and make their selections based on fabric or cuteness. I was looking for some heavy-duty construction. I needed lift and volume. I wanted what my hair products promised in my undergarments.

The fertility drugs I took in my late 20s didn’t get me a baby, but they left me with a souvenir to remember them by. I moved up a letter size. I got hips, which were a whole new adventure in pants for me, not that I was complaining. I filled out my clothes a little better, which made me happy.

Then I turned 35. Wow! Did my body start to change. Weight is a whole weird issue now. Skinny would not be an adjective to describe me. Occasionally, I catch a glimpse in a window of what’s walking around behind me. And.it’s.startling.

While doing laundry recently, I noticed some of my unmentionables were becoming unbecoming. I figured it was time to update. The woman at the store took my measurements. Talk about unmentionable! Once again, I was ushered past the section of cute fabrics and darling designs to the hardware area of the store. Only this time, I was on the opposite end. Lifting, pulling and tucking is no longer about vanity, it’s about public decency.

This whole melon misadventure is starting to get expensive. Not only are these engineering marvels I have strapped to my body not cheap, I’m busting out of my clothes. This week, for the second time, a zipper broke while I was trying to get dressed. I don’t know if you’ve ever been stuck in your clothes, but it creates a feeling similar to staying under water in a pool too long. You feel a panic rise from your gut, as if you need to to swim to the top for air. But there’s plenty of oxygen, so you’re really just thrashing around hyperventilating, gasping for air in the middle of your bedroom with a dress halfway on.

Thankfully, Baby Daddy was home this time. He had to help me untangle myself from the fabric. While there was a lot of heavy breathing on my part, there was nothing sexy about helping his wife out of her clothes before work. The previous time this happened, I was home alone. I actually had to cut myself out of the dress. It was awful. I loved that dress.

If I had known in middle school what I know now about all this, my prayers would have been significantly different. Of course, if we’d all known in middle school what we know about so many things now, I’m pretty sure God would have heard a lot less about New Kids on the Block.



Filed under The view from here

6 responses to “On Mosquito Bites and Melons

  1. Marcia

    Loved this post. I lead a Sr. High Girl’s Group at church and we are doing the study Sexy Girls: How Sexy is Too Sexy. The pressure of fitting in and looking good, especially when you don’t have the “hardware” that you want can be awful. My body was never an issue until later in life when I had more of everything I didn’t want so I can relate to change. This does make me think of the new swimsuits Abercrombie (sp?) is selling for 7 and 8 year olds. Padded push up bikini tops. Makes me sick but if I felt as you did at a young age I can imagine that is what I would want! Just another struggle for parents not wanting their kids to grow up too fast in this society of 9 is the new 20. I love reading your posts, Thanks!

  2. On mosquito bites: I recall having a ‘friendly discussion’ with a coworker on this plight. To which my [amply endowed] friend says, ‘You know, you could just buy a victoria’s secret miracle bra.’
    I replied [more like screamed] “This IS a victoria’s secret miracle bra!!!”
    I’m doomed.

  3. I never had boobs til I started taking birth control Hello, a whole new cup size. And they haven’t gone anywhere since I’ve been off of it the last 2 years. I shudder to think what happens if I end up on fertility drugs (what with the 2 years off BC having given me nothing but a whole lot of periods and cramping).

    Despite not having had much in the chest department, my hips are rather wide for my frame size. My waist to hip ratio is a bit…uncommon. Which culminated in me getting stuck in a vintage dress from the 1960s while home alone a month or two ago. I seriously had a few panicked minutes where I pondered going to the neighbors and begging them to unzip me. I managed to take a breather (as much as I could breathe in the durn thing) and then do some strange contorting so that I could yank the zipper free. Thank God Jon wasn’t there to see it. He probably would have found it strangely hot.

  4. Leah Johnsey

    As the past, present and future (except for 6 months while pregnant) Chairwoman of the Southeast Region “Itty Bitty Titty Committee,” I feel your childhood pain. I am a just barely A cup. The only time I have ever had boobs was during my first pregnancy when they shot up to a DD and then shrunk down even smaller than they were before. It’s Mother Nature’s cruel trick.
    The older I have gotten the more “comfortable” I am with my chest size. (Not really, but i am trying) I do realize that I will never have droopy boobs, back pain from them drooping, and let me tell you how nice it is not to have to wear a constricting bra. I live in camisoles and tank tops. (Plus I can wear really cute shirts that my “endowed” friends could never wear!!)
    I think the lesson here is that no matter the size of our assets, we will never be truely happy. We just have to accept how we are made and buy new clothes to fit our shape!

  5. I was in LR one afternoon a few weeks ago when the most horrible thing happened. My underwire on my left melon holder decided to spring free, not only poking a hole through my dress but my cardigan too….as well as impaling me in my underarm.

    I ran to McCain Mall to go to VS to be told that there was only ONE bra in the whole store in my size, but that it was a sample bra that women use to try on. But I could have that one for the low price of $46! I didn’t have a choice, I was actually bleeding from the armpit at the time. So I took the bra….$50 bucks later I was more comfortable, but bemoaning the fact that I always get stuck with the “grandma bra” instead of the one with lace and rhinestones and in pretty colors & designs.

    I always tell my “less-chesty” friends to feel lucky. At least you get to wear something that makes you feel pretty (& dare I say sexy?) instead of “yep, this is my functional and plain bra. “

  6. David

    You looked great then (I *loved* skinny girls in HS) and you look awesome now.

    My criteria for the later statement is any female who elicits a “Marge Simpson”-like disapproving growl from my Missus:
    [audio src="http://supak.com/simpsons/wavs/marge_simpson_mmmm.wav" /]

    Some time ago you posted some poolside photos (you and MB I think) which had me sleeping on the sofa that night. 🙂