I’m writing to self-disclose a personal infraction: I did not hand address my Christmas cards this year. I used printed labels.
I know I have broken rule #3 in the Christmas card contest. In doing so, I automatically forfeit any bragging rights (the only actual winnings) for getting the more than 250 pieces of holiday merriment printed on card stock in the mail December 1, which I will.
I have a defense, if it pleases the committee to take it into account. I have Dutch Elm Disease. Now I understand that you have always believed this was an ailment reserved strictly for trees. But I have it. I know because I diagnosed myself. Despite the vicious rumor being circulated by a particular redheaded friend, one does not have to plant tulips to contract the plant disease. It can make the species leap merely through the imaginative use of WebMD.
I went to many actual doctors before the self diagnosis. (I’m seeing a new one now. She actually got some useful test results, and I’m hopeful I’ll be feeling better soon.) But I’ve come to the conclusion there is no other explanation for this previously inexcusable behavior.
In throwing myself at the mercy of the Christmas Card Rules Committee, which exists only in my mind, I ask for understanding. Next year, I expect to be back at full speed. Holiday Greetings will be sent in proper form, so there is no need to reduce the number of scholarships, I mean, cards available. There is no lack of institutional control. This one infraction was an anomaly.
I respectfully await a final ruling.
A very sick woman