I saw a friend I haven’t seen in a while. She asked what I’m doing. I told her I’m on sabbatical. She was recently on sabbatical. She said she got to the point she couldn’t take it any more. She was totally genuine when she asked, “So how are you doing with doing nothing?” I said fine. I told her about my house projects. We were interrupted by our children. So we ended the conversation. I had mostly told the truth.

I am fine, but I am frustrated. Why is my body still so tired? Why can’t I lose the weight I want to? When will I stop feeling like there is a fog on me? Why don’t I feel like I used to? Am I really completely broken and just won’t admit it?

I speak to friends from my old careers. They tell me what’s going on, and it stresses me out to even hear them talk about it. I watched a Rachel Zoe episode and I broke out in a cold sweat watching her employees try to meet her unrealistic demands. It brought back too many memories. I tried to talk to a woman about a part-time job: 20 hours a week. It’s work I could do in my sleep. Then the actual prospect of going for an interview was so overwhelming that I backed out of the whole thing. These are not the reactions of a normal person.

I should point out no one is pushing me to do anything. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m being constantly reminded by people who love me I am where I am supposed to be. I am doing what I should be doing. I am taking care of what I need to be. Most days, that’s good. But right this minute, it makes me want to stab someone in the eye with a fork.

I want to be healthy. I want to be sane. I want to be me again. But I don’t know how. I can’t go back to who I was. That much I know for sure. But I don’t know who or what the new me should be yet. I’m in purgatory. And some days it’s really frustrating.



Filed under The view from here

5 responses to “Purgatory

  1. Awww, honey. I love you. I’m here for you. Don’t know what to say other than that.

  2. jen

    I really understand. I’m currently a SAHM, something I never, ever thought I would do. I love it, I really do, but I keep thinking, what am I doing? I don’t feel productive but I don’t want to go back to what I was doing.

    I think I would like to teach, either High School or College, but for High School, I would have to go back for teaching. I could probably teach at a smaller college in accounting because I have a masters but I don’t really want to teach accounting. I should be spending this time I have on writing but it seems like dishes and laundry and running take up any excess time.

    Hang in there…maybe you just still need more time to figure things out.

  3. 1. I love you.
    2. At some point, let’s have a more specific, not blog or Twitter, conversation about your health. Yes, I’m ‘that’ friend… the one who says “I’m going to need to see a list of the bloodwork they ran…” (see point #1.)

  4. Basically, I went through a phase that I called, ‘my give a damn is broken.’ (I can’t place where this came from, a country song perhaps?)
    I sat on the couch a useless blob. I had ample time to do anything I wanted and yet all I wanted was to sit. It was a funk. I thought I needed this huge, earth-shattering change, but honestly, I couldn’t muster it. Finally, I opted for a small change- starting namely with a shower.
    I know it can be tough-hell I did it, but without any kids. If you ever need to talk, I’m there. I can listen and laugh or whatever you need.
    You’re strong, you’ll make it thought, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

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