Open Letter to My Son

Dear Monkey Boy,

Your teacher tells me you’re doing really well at your new school. This makes me happy. I’m so excited for all the new experiences you’re going to have and the things you will learn. I can’t wait to see what each new day brings for you.

I’ve prepared a brief list of things that I’m very hopeful you will learn soon (most will make my life easier and this is really about my personal comfort):

  • Mommy is the DJ. I get to pick the songs in the car. I don’t care who’s driving. Mommy is in charge of the tunes.
  • Did you know you can open the refrigerator without swinging the door back so hard and fast it bounces off its hinges? It’s true.
  • Some children, not even that long ago, actually watched commercials when watching television. They didn’t die a thousand deaths because their mothers didn’t rush to fast forward the DVR for them on screaming command. Really.
  • Are you aware the optimal time to ask me a rapid fire series of questions is not when I have a phone to my ear?
  • Dora sucks. I’m sorry, kid. Someone had to tell you.
  • We are going to brush your teeth every day at least twice. You cannot negotiate your way out of it. I don’t care how adorable those brown eyes are. You can give in now, or I can wrestle you to the ground with toothbrush in hand. again.
  • You cannot hold every car you own at one time. God gave you two hands. That’s not enough to carry 4 bajillion toys. It’s not fair. Life is not fair.
  • Your father and I are fully aware your hearing works just fine. You gave it away when you perked up three rooms away when I whispered the word “cookie.” You can no longer pretend to have a hearing problem when I say “no” or “stop that.”
  • Absolutely no one in this house is interested in talking about Lightning McQueen at 5:30 on a Saturday morning. We tried to fake it when you were younger because words were new to you. That cuteness has passed. Hit the snooze button, boy.
  • Did you know that some days, particularly when there is no coffee in the house, if you just went along with what your dad and I asked instead of asking “Why?” for every command, things would go a lot smoother for you?
  • It’s possible, when you have a towel or blanket over your head because you are pretending to be a ghost, is not the best time to take off in a full-speed run.
  • You have no rhythm. I’ve never seen a human completely incapable of clapping to the beat, but then I met you. You will probably have more success in life if you pick a career unrelated to music. Just a tip.

The world is an amazing place. You are going to have so many adventures. I’m thrilled to watch you learn and grow and embrace those new challenges.

I love you to the moon and back. I love you bigger than the sun.




Filed under Monkey Boy

8 responses to “Open Letter to My Son

  1. Ohhhh the “Whys”
    This is our battle daily.

  2. Kim

    Particulary enjoyed this piece today! Great Stuff!

  3. Jay

    Ah yes…in our house Dora has passed for the moment. We are enjoying Phinias and Ferb and the classic Batman and Robin (60’s) version. 🙂 but I will take Dora over Barney or Diego.

  4. I’m with him when it comes to the commercials and the DVR. I’ve paid my dues, and have watched a bajillion commercials. I fast forward!

    I am so glad my kids are past Dora! Now, it’s Hannah Montana. I am so sick of her!

  5. Leah Johnsey

    I guarantee you that Cara has even less rhythm than Monkey Boy!! We can compare video and put it to a vote!!
    D-D-Dora and GO GO GO (diego) are big in our house at the moment. Thanks Netflix for Wii!

  6. I can totally relate to every single thing in the letter.
    Love it.

  7. berit

    i’m posting these bullet points on the fridge– thing 1 can read them to thing2 daily…

  8. I truly enjoyed this post. I don’t have kids but I totally get it. It cracked me up. It will be funny for Monkey Boy to read this when he is older.