Gardening for Dummies

I’m not sure how exactly this happened. I don’t know if it’s Sarabeth’s influence or just my Southern roots finally taking hold. Maybe I’m just getting old. But for the first time, I have a desire to garden. However, this plan is not without obstacles: We have two ridiculous dogs who dig, and I’m too tired and lazy to prep a section of the yard for a garden. The biggest issue: I have only successfully ever kept one plant alive. So I settled on a container garden on the sun porch, based on some reading that any fool can do this.

We made a Home Depot run this weekend for supplies. There was a woman in the garden section who acted as if she knew what she was doing. I was following her advice for a bit. Then she mentioned she killed all her plants last year. Thanks a heap, lady! I can do that all on my own. According to the advice I read from the UA Cooperative Extension, I selected a few plants that allegedly do well in indirect sunlight, in containers and are hard to kill.

Monkey Boy and I planted cherry tomatoes, rosemary, green peppers, strawberries and blueberries. He was really just interested in pouring water on everything. I don’t eat tomatoes or blueberries, but other people do and I can give away what Baby Daddy and Monkey Boy don’t eat. That’s assuming we have a crop at all. If you actually know something about gardening, you probably see huge problems in my plan and/or execution. You can feel free to keep those observations to yourself. I’ll keep you posted if we have any success.

When I was thinking of giving away tomatoes, all I could think of was a scene from Steel Magnolias. Despite my best efforts, I’m becoming more and more like Ouiser all the time. I could very well be wearing a funny looking hat the next time you see me… and swearing at someone. I already have untrainable beasts for pets.

Ouiser: Tomatoes!
Clairee: Why give all these to me?
Ouiser: Somebody’s got to take ’em. I hate ’em….
Annelle: Then why do you grow ’em?
Ouiser: Because I’m an old Southern woman and we’re supposed to wear funny looking hats and ugly clothes and grow vegetables in the dirt. Don’t ask me those questions. I don’t know WHY. I don’t make the rules.



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6 responses to “Gardening for Dummies

  1. The best part of this post is not that I may have possibly influenced someone to do something I haven’t successfully done myself yet…but that I read that Ouiser reference as having untrainable BREASTS for pets…!

    You go girl! I’ll take any extra produce off your hands, I swear.

  2. I love this post and I entirely agree you are probably the reincarnation of Ouiser. Hilarious.

    “You are in a good mood, did you run over a small child?” Priceless.

    Don’t tell anyone but I absolutely love Steel Magnolias and watched Designing Women religiously. This might qualify me for therapy.

  3. Well, you don’t have to worry about any gardening advice from me! The only thing I’ve ever managed to keep alive is a hosta… and I’m beginning to think they could survive a nuclear attack. They’ve survived everything else I’ve done (or not done) to them. But good luck! If you find another plant that is particularly hard to kill, let me know and I’ll add it to my collection! 🙂

    I guess if I’m ever going to blend in here in the south, I’m going to have to watch Steel Magnolias.

  4. We actually have a garden area and went through the trouble of tilling it up and planting all kinds of stuff last year. It was a pain to keep up with so this year we scaled back to containers as well. Grant it we have 30 gallon containers, but scaled back none the less.

    The rosemary will grow like crazy, I am convinced there is absolutely no way to kill it. We have a large rosemary bush in the garden and I have never done anything with it, yet I still have to trim it back 2-3 times a year.

    Anyway good luck, we have banana peppers, a bell pepper, tomatoes, and some herbs(basil, oregano, mint, chives) if you want to try any of that as well.

  5. For the record I have actually killed Rosemary. We’re planting a garden anyway this year. Dumb, but true.
    Good luck with yours! Containers seem like a more reasonable venture.

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