Here comes the bride

At least it's not the peach one

This week has been all about weddings around here, which is ironic because no one we know is getting hitched. Amy over at the Bee Dot worked a booth at the local bridal fair. Afterward, she dropped by for a much-needed drink and showed us the photos she took of some of the other booths: the gorgeous, the dreadful & the am-I-being-punked? were all represented at this year’s event. Then a funny friend dined with us later this week. She told us of the most unfortunate 50s THEME wedding in which she has agreed to be a bridesmaid. When the bride asks you to spend $120 on a dress from a website named, Daddy-O’s for “her day,” it’s safe to say things have gotten out of hand.

As far as I’m concerned, there are four types of acceptable weddings:

December 20, 1996 ~ That "chapel" was SUPER cheese whiz!

1) elopement – This is always and forever the preferred method for too many reasons to list here. Full disclosure: I eloped. We paid a man who dressed like Marlon Brando $50 in cash, and he pronounced me a tax liability to Baby Daddy or something really romantic like that.

2) home church – There are girls who grow up playing bride. Not having found any joy in this, I’m not really sure why this is fun game, but apparently there is a whole group of women who once wore bath towels on their heads as veils and pretended to be getting married. These women have dreamed for decades of walking down their home church aisle, escorted by their father, to have the preacher who baptized them pronounce them the wife of the “player to be named later.” In fairness, it can actually be very sweet in real life when done well.

3) location – I’m not talking about asking people to honeymoon with you at an all inclusive resort in Jamaica, that a quasi elopement, and while acceptable, is not preferable. This is when, in the course of your courtship, a particular location becomes meaningful to you: the restaurant of the proposal, the ballpark where you went on your first date, the corner of the street where you were the day you knew you were in love. These can be truly meaningful ceremonies. My friend Boots shot one of these recently. Everyone had such a great time!

a quiet moment

4) intimate – This is particularly nice when one of the participants has been married before or if you’re not 22. This is when you invite strictly immediate family and sometimes a friend or two. The guest count is usually under 20 and the couple is able to host a nice dinner after the ceremony to share with their little community. I planned an intimate ceremony this fall for a longtime friend. It was warm and cozy and just what she wanted from that day.

You will notice that list does not include any theme weddings. The theme is you’re getting married. You don’t need any more theme than that. Camo, 50s, or cowboy themes are strictly forbidden by my rules of bridal etiquette. Also not on the list, double-digit bridesmaids. If you have to scrape up a girl who you haven’t seen since Jr. High summer camp so that you can more bridesmaids than your best friend, you’ve lost the whole point of this event. Another exclusion is a bankruptcy plan. Spending so much on a wedding that you begin your married life in debt is beyond ridiculous.

Be reasonable; be realistic; be real. This day is not  the apex of your life. It’s a day, one of many special days you will have. Every hope and dream you have ever had cannot be made a reality on this day. Get over yourself. And hire another wedding planner besides me. I cannot help you. It would take a team of professionals to undo the years of brainwashing you have obviously suffered in order to believe the world revolves around you.

If, however, you want a memorable day with friends and family to mark a moment in time when you decided to take into account another person’s wants, needs, desires and peanut butter preferences, then I could throw you a wonderful party. But if you go all Bridezilla on me, I will personally see to it that your bridesmaids dresses are all the most hideous shade of aqua marine you’ve ever seen. And don’t think I won’t do it!

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Here comes the bride

  1. Whew. Glad I made the cut. Had a home church wedding on a Saturday afternoon with a dessert reception in the fellowship hall. Then we went to a lake house with only our nearest and dearest and had an afterparty filled with BBQ, booze, boat rides, horse shoes, and even karaoke (a gift from a cousin who owns a karaoke business), which turned out to be a ton of fun. You wouldn’t find that sort of afterparty in a Bridal mag or in a package deal at a Bridal fair, but it was a darn good time.

    Thankfully I’ve only had to be a bridesmaid once, for my SIL. She made us wear giant black ballgowns. I felt like a corpse bride.

  2. Amy

    First of all, you did not get married in 2006. Nice try. You’re older than that, and everybody knows it.

    Second of all, you are wearing white pantyhose. WTF, Kerri? All the more reason for you to make people understand that you did not get married in 2006, because that’s way too recent for you to have such bad taste.

    Third of all, I got married in my backyard. That doesn’t really fit into any of your categories, but it totally rocked.

    • 1)date corrected. my bad
      2) they were not white, they were “champagne” & they matched the dress. (yes, actually worse) my legs were just so white they appear that way.
      3) backyard is location – it was meaningful to y’all

  3. Cheryl

    We eloped, at least I guess you could call it an elopement for all intents and purposes. We didn’t “run away” we simply went to the big downtown area of Jonesboro, AR and asked around until we found someone who would perform a quick ceremony. Apparently the length of a marriage does not correlate with the amount spent upon the ceremony considering that we will have made it to the 25 year mark in June. So, I couldn’t agree with your terms of wedding etiquette more.

  4. I wore the towel on my head. I still drag the veil out on “bad days” and I look fabulous in aqua marine. And still we can be friends and this is why I dig you lots, KJC! Great post.