I’ll admit that I’m a little touchy about my looks, specifically my weight. I think honestly most women over the age of 12 are. This is why when they separate the boys and girls in fifth grade to teach them about the “new you,” the boys should be given some instruction on things you should never say out loud. This should include all references to weight, pregnancy, and a woman’s ability to handle complicated tasks. I have long suspected they are teaching the boys how to behave inscrutably throughout high school, so this really shouldn’t take up that much extra time.
So here is my list of things that should never be said out loud to a woman: (I’m open to submissions.)
1. Are you gaining weight? (I actually hit a senior citizen for saying this to me.)
2. Are you pregnant? (I don’t care if she’s in stirrups doing breathing exercises sucking on ice chips. If she doesn’t volunteer this information, wonder in silence!)
3. You’re wearing that? (Not only will you sound like her parents, this statement guarantees you will NEVER see what’s under said outfit.)
4. I think I liked your hair better long/short/blond/red. (What’s she gonna do about it now? Unbleach it? Glue it back on?)
5. I know a better way to do that/ May I make a suggestion? (Either do the chore yourself or shut up about it.)
6. What could you possibly need with another black dress? (There is always a need for another black dress. Always.)