What Not to Say

I’ll admit that I’m a little touchy about my looks, specifically my weight. I think honestly most women over the age of 12 are. This is why when they separate the boys and girls in fifth grade to teach them about the “new you,” the boys should be given some instruction on things you should never say out loud. This should include all references to weight, pregnancy, and a woman’s ability to handle complicated tasks. I have long suspected they are teaching the boys how to behave inscrutably throughout high school, so this really shouldn’t take up that much extra time.

So here is my list of things that should never be said out loud to a woman: (I’m open to submissions.)

1. Are you gaining weight? (I actually hit a senior citizen for saying this to me.)

2. Are you pregnant? (I don’t care if she’s in stirrups doing breathing exercises sucking on ice chips. If she doesn’t volunteer this information, wonder in silence!)

3. You’re wearing that? (Not only will you sound like her parents, this statement guarantees you will NEVER see what’s under said outfit.)

4. I think I liked your hair better long/short/blond/red. (What’s she gonna do about it now? Unbleach it? Glue it back on?)

5. I know a better way to do that/ May I make a suggestion? (Either do the chore yourself or shut up about it.)

6. What could you possibly need with another black dress? (There is always a need for another black dress. Always.)

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “What Not to Say

  1. Additions:
    Are you sick?
    Any references to anything an exgf was better at.
    Are you PMSing/on your period?

  2. And you are only allowed to comment on someone’s parenting skills or children’s behavior if you know her really, really, REALLY well.

  3. My BFF’s husband lost his very field-specific job last year. She has had several people ask when he’s going to get a job/what he does all day.

    And, though I never had time to be asked, I’ve heard many non-parents say they loathe the “when will y’all have kids?” question.

  4. We always wondered what they were doing with you girls that day in fifth grade.

    We all figured they were passing out instructions on how to confuse us.

  5. I once gave someone a very clinical answer to the “when are you going to have kids questions.” It involved the anatomical, biological and temporal necessities associated with conception and gestation. Definitely took the conversation in a different direction.